Thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail with Lizzy was one of the most transformational experiences of my life. It taught me so much about the importance of confidence and positive self-esteem. I had never been on an expedition into the wilderness where my success and/or failure was entirely my responsibility. I have been backpacking before, hell, I worked in the backcountry, leading backpacking trips. Still, even then, I was part of a larger organization with many resources in case something went awry.
On our third night on the Appalachian Trail, Lizzy and I were camping near Blood Mountain when a nasty snowstorm dumped wet, heavy snow on us all night. Our pathetic, little single-walled tent nearly collapsed in on itself, save that I shook down the walls every thirty minutes for the entirety of the night. Between shaking the tent and anxiously wiping down the small puddles forming underneath our sleeping pads, there was little rest that night.
It was then that I knew that this would be a far wilder experience than I ever had before. It was just me and Lizzy, and our success, our survival was entirely in our hands. I don’t think either of us had wholly swallowed that truth before that night. Even though we certainly knew it well the following day as we trudged over Blood Mountain in wet and cold gear. But having an adventure isn’t about playing it safe.
How to move forward with confidence through life even though there are undoubtedly many trials and challenges to be overcome. To approach difficulty and even suffering and perceive them as hardships to be shouldered instead of burdens weighing me down. To take responsibility for my own suffering and view it as an opportunity for growth and perseverance. Bearing the hardship and keeping my mind focused on a goal. For me, these were not lessons that can be learned in a book or in therapy, but they are lessons that have to be understood in the presence of the suffering that challenges me.
For somebody who struggles with self-doubt and anxiety, having to hitchhike into town and figure out where everything is, how you will resupply, where you will shower and rest, knowing that there are no guarantees was difficult. It taught me how capable I am of adapting to new situations. I saw how much mental energy I wasted, doubting myself and worrying about the future.
I saw how this affected my relationship with Lizzy. How much I can project my own self-doubt and fear and how this would create problems that were never there. How much of my life has been spent worrying about problems that only exist in my own imagination? What if, instead of spending all that time doing that, I focused on moving forward with confidence? What if I viewed that insecurity and doubt as I perceived the next mountain on the trail? As something to be overcome. How could this not radically change my life? The prison of doubt is a cage with no door; we only imagine it being there. What if we just stood up and walked out into the sun?
-Daniel
from the other side 